My crazy fucked up life

[bubbles83]

So slowly my life has gone totally crazy. I had a hella good weekend. I went to Bachelor with Jeremiah and his hall.. well there were 10 of us that went 5 RAs and 5 residents and only two of the residents were from his hall, but whatev... It was a fun trip for the most part. I'm never letting Matt and Jeremiah lead again though. They didn't get us lost on the way there but once we got there they couldn't find the lodge and we had to drive around forever. It was pretty funny actually. The boys are cuties... We went to the Nike outlet and I bought myself a new pair of running shoes. The shoes I really wanted were these nice gore-tex shoes, but they looked fugly on my feet. They were originally $120 marked down to $40. That really pissed me off though. If you mark up your shoes so much that you can mark them down to that and make it seem like a good deal then you really are the devil. On the other hand it's pretty ingenious that they can do that and still get people to buy their shoes. We also went to goodwill, but I didn't really find anything all that great there. The lodges we stayed in were really nice. We got two rooms and each room had a kitchen then a living room area with a pull out couch, then a loft with two queen beds. Since there were only ten people, five and five in each room worked out nicely. There was a hot tub there and that was real fun. the guys were dorks and decided to run out of the hot tub way the fuck across the way hop in a little icy patch, roll around, then run back to the hot tub. It was funny. they were pretty cute. Then before we went to be we watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I'd never seen it before I liked it a lot.

Now to my real problems. I got in a huge fight with my friend. She doesn't like the fact that I'm spending all this time with a new friend that I made. She feels like I'm neglecting our friendship, and to be honest I am. And I feel bad about that, but at the same time this girl is bugging the crap out of me. She is contantly giving me guilt trips about things, making me feel bad when I want to do things with other people, acting like I should be priasing the lord that she's friends with because she puts up with so much shit for it. I never asked her to do any of that. I'm not gonna praise the ground she walks on like she's the queen of sheba or something. She thinks she's a lot more mature than she really is, and it bugs me. The fact that I've been hanging out with her less has a lot more to do with that than with who I hang out with now. I'm sorry that there have to be lines in our friendship because of how things are right now, but you can't wish there weren't lines then bring them back up when they are convienent for you. Thats not fair. Realistically the lines are there all the time, but you can't say in certain situations I want there to be a line and in other situations I don't. Thats not fair to us or to you because then you are always upset. well generally she's upset at something at most times anyway... She just... I don't know... I need to stop bitching about this I know. At this point though I could honestly never talk to her again and be OK with it. I can't do that though because she's super involved with everything, and I need to be able to work with her without there being tension. The thing I'm most afraid of is losing our mutual friends. I don't want them to be put in the middle of all this stupid fucking drama that should have been left in high school. I feel bad cuz I know they are in the middle and I'm afraid that they are gonna get pissed at me and I'll lose them because of it and that is the last thing I can deal with right now... I don't know... I say fuck it all... is it even worth it in the end...

Comments

[supatwee.livejournal.com]

Hey. i'm sorry this all had to happen, but really if she can't handle you making other friends, then what does that say about her and her maturity. she treats yours and hers friendship like a relationship, your hers and thats it. and don't worry about losing mutual friends, honestly i think she's the one that will hafta worry about that. . .most people are annoyed with her and they are not with you, they are annoyed with her becasue of the same reasons you are so your not alone in that and its ok to bitch about it. i'm sorry your stressed!! we'll go see chicago this weekend and make things better. . have a time in another world of singing and dancing. i heart you!

[bubbles83.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I know. I'm excited about Chicago this weekend too! :)

[mmmbopthis.livejournal.com]

Awww. I love you! And I am totally stoked to work with you next year! By the way, way to have an OTR user pick...wanna talk about hot boys and beads? :-)

[bubbles83.livejournal.com]

Ok thats my user pic from last year. I've been meaning to change it but I haven't gotten around to it yet.. So Poo!!! Plus it's a reminder of how good My Own Worst enemy used to be. :)

[ex-ilovetheb284.livejournal.com]

Hah I had no idea it was OTR until now. I love you Christina you are the sheeit. And do not be sad. We will work together next year and it will be fun and we will do crazy dances and make funny faces and steal billiam's hat.

I just want you to know...

[(Anonymous)]

Hmmmm... Bet you didn't think I would ever see this did you??? Too bad it's not that hard to find the link from Naima's journal to yours. Wow, If I knew how little you thought of me, I would never have stayed friends with you for as long as I did. I never thought that I was better than you and I never expected you to..how'd you put it "praise the ground I walk on like I'm the Queen of Sheba" It's interesting that you said that one of the reasons I started bugging you so much is because I "think I'm more mature than I really am" That's exactly what I told Margaret about you a trillion times. And as for having to work with me, it shouldn't be too much of a problem, it's not like you ever come to RHA, or ever contribute to complex government anyway. And as for me giving you guilt trips, I'm confused about what guilt trips you're referring to. The only thing I can think of is when I finally got up the courage to talk to you about how shitty you made me feel on a regular basis when you constantly mocked me in public. You know Christina, there were a lot of things I liked about you, you were fun, and at the beginning of our friendship you always had a lot of time for me and you made me feel special. You were kind of like a sister. But then, you became one of those sisters that began to irritate the hell out of me and make me feel bad about myself all the time. I don't know if you knew this, but I was kinda depressed in the fall and winter of this year. I don't blame you for it, it was a combination of a lot of things. But I just wanted you to know that you really started to make me feel bad about myself on a regular basis. It's not healthy to leave a meal or a social gathering feeling dejected because you were the butt of every joke. I know that you mocked me out of fun, and habit, and at the beginning it was no big deal, but it got extremely excessive towards the end of our friendship, and you know that I'm not making this up cuz other people noticed. As for the lines between us, yes I know that you are an RA and I am a resident, and there are lines between us. But you made them trenches. You always made me feel like more of a "resident" than Jeremiah ever did and he's MY RA. You made everything in your life, including friendships related in some way to your job. When we did things as friends like going to the OTR concerts together you would make comments about how you should get programming points for going to things with people who happened to be residents. Or when you would refer to us as your favorite residents, I know it was out of affection, but couldn't we be your favorite people?? Why was that so hard for you? It's funny because throughout our friendship you would tell me things like I was prissy, high-strung, and that I gave you knots in your stomach. I began to accept that as who I really was, and then a funny thing happened, I realized when I was talking to my friend Justin from back home online and I referred to myself as high-strung for some reason. He was like "What?? You're not high-strung, you're like one of the most outgoing, energetic, fun, laid-back people in our group of friends" And I realized, he's right, I really am. I am writing you this for my own benefit to vent, as much as so you truly understand, from my perspective, why our friendship ended. I don't hate you, and I hold no animosity towards you. I'm just happier, and more me, when I'm apart from you. With who I hang out with now, I can just be me, funny, laid-back, and completely myself. I used to think you understood me more than anyone in Eugene besides Jeremiah, but then I realized that you only understood the parts you wanted to.

I just wanted you to know... (pt 2)

[(Anonymous)]

There's a character limit, so here's the rest...
After we stopped being friends Jeremiah tried to convince me to talk to you, and it almost worked, he almost scared me into just biting the bullet and trying to make it work again. It would have been so easy, but I didn't want to be friends with you for convenience-sake, or to make Jeremiah happy. I knew that if we were to be friends again, we would get right back into the same pattern, and as much as it was hard, I knew that the right thing for me was to sever ties with you, and by extention your friends, cuz that's what they really always were. I never fit in with those people, and to be honest with you, I never really wanted to. I would never have chosen them as my group of friends, had you and I not formed such a tight bond. So you don't have to worry about losing your friends, any more than I have to worry about losing margaret or kelly, cuz that's what they are, YOUR friends. The only mutual friend we have now is Jeremiah, and it's fine, he hangs out with your group, we can still talk every once in awhile, and I'm OK with that. You're much more attached to him than I am anyway. The last night we talked online, I never meant to start a fight with you, I'd been feeling bad about the tension between us for weeks, and I told Rian that I was really scared to talk to you and that I didn't know if I should address our issues, or if I should just see if it would blow over. He said that I obviously wasn't happy, and that if you and I were as good of friends as I thought, that you would be responsive to what I had to say. I guess he was sort of right. We weren't as good of friends as I thought, or wanted to think at the time. When I talked to you that night, I was terrified and all I wanted to do was ask you how you felt about our friendship, and tell you I was feeling really neglected. I used the ammount of time you were spending with Mary to counteract your statement that you'd been too busy to spend any time with me. And then you made the entire conversation related to her. I want you to know, despite what you might have interepreted and told other people that I never intended to make you choose between me and Mary(Yes, I know that you talked about me behind my back, I also know that you told people I forced you to choose between Mary and I, well I guess that if that's what you thought I was asking you, you made your choice)I also want you to know that I didn't discuss why we stopped being friends with anyone but Margaret, Kelly and to Jeremiah slightly(I just asked him if you'd talked to him, and if you'd told him that I'd asked you to choose between Mary and I cuz I knew that's what you thought), even though, we're no longer friends I respected our friendship more than that. But you know what, it doesn't matter, because with the exception of Jeremiah, we don't have any mutual friends(Logan and Naima are of course your residents, not your friends, so they don't count) But through all this unneccessary drama, I wish that you would have just told me that you were feeling the need to take a break from me. I was feeling the same way. I had contemplated severing ties with you a couple of other times previous to that night, and I was getting really frustrated with you and our friendship and I figured I'd try one last time to tell you how I felt before I called it quits cuz that's what Rian said I should do. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but just to illustrate how unhappy I was throughout our friendship.

I just wanted you to know...(pt.3)

[(Anonymous)]

I take my share of the responsibilty for the end of our friendship, but I wanted to let you know where I was coming from, and what my frustrations were. Perhaps if we had let our friendship develop more slowly rather than jumping in all at once and spending all of our time together, we might not have fallen into the same traps. And if by some chance we're on the same staff next year, or we have to work closely with each other, I hope we can be friendly. Learn from your mistakes as I've learned from mine, and I just want to let you know, that I have really great friends where there are no lines and no complications and I'm the happiest I've been all year, and I hope you're happy as well. And to the people who posted things in this thread previously, you don't know me, and you don't know our situation, so please don't make judgements about my character, or my maturity level.

[(Anonymous)]

hey it's courtney
I shouldn't have written those comments. I told you to get over it and move on because I have, and that's not fair, because my posting the previous comments proved that I haven't moved on. I have now though, I've gotten out a lot of frustrations finally, and I'm ok with our situation. I posted those comments in anger as much as to finally get things off of my chest about the events that led to the ending of our friendship. I was just shocked and angered to realize that you'd written in your journal about me. But given the recent discovery about what I'd written in my online journal about Mary, I understand now that one's journal is personal and is never intended to hurt anyone, but only as a way to express yourself. So I respect your right to say whatever you want about me and our situation. I wish that I could just delete the previous entrys, but I can't so, there you go. I'm sorry.